MY View

BY JOHN McLOONE

Uncle Naughty

This weekend was payback time.

Accompanied by my darling bride and a daughter, we made a trip to Florida that will leave lasting impressions for many years to come.

That’s my hope at least.

We went for a couple reasons. There was a newspaper convention in Jacksonville that I attended for a few days, while the ladies dipped their toe in the ocean. We wouldn’t have likely gone, but my younger brother also lives just south of there, so we had ample opportunity to spend time with his family.

I needed that time. I have an ongoing “feud” with his two young children, ages 7 and 5. It seems that last summer as I was tossing the football with the kids, I “accidentally” threw the ball over the edge of a second-story balcony. I didn’t realize it would tumble from there into a thicket of weeds and woods, and it was lost forever. I instantly earned the nickname “Uncle Naughty.” It spread to others of that generation, and I’m taunted at family functions by swarms of small humans. Did you see the video of those protestors trapping the Congressional Representative in the restroom, yelling at her? That’s kind of what I go through with this generation.

I bought the kid a new football, but that did absolutely nothing to solve the apparent crisis. I’ve decided to embrace my villain status. I schemed for weeks before my trip on how I could possibly live up to my “Uncle Naughty” side. I came up with the perfect solution. I went online and purchased the “Master Prankster’s Gag Bag.” It’s series one, so there must be another series when things get more serious. This kit, I believed, had everything I needed to wage war against these two young “bullies.” I was going to lead off with the hand buzzer. From there, I had the ring that squirts water. I had a bug in an ice cube. Fake dog too too, the whoopy cushion and an assortment of fake rodents, spiders and cockroaches.

There was a major hitch to my diabolical scheme, however. We were halfway to the airport when I made a realization. “The Master Prankster’s Gag Bag is still on the kitchen table,” I informed my wife/driver. “Is it too late to turn back?”

Alas, it was.

I hatched a backup plan. I reordered my box of tricks and had it shipped to Jacksonville. En route to their home, I stopped and picked up a skeleton mask and nerf gun. I was set for war.

I let the enemy settle in for a while before I pounced. Unfortunately, there was a major hitch in my plan. The enemy was onto me, and they “tortured” my second in command until she revealed my stash. I was enjoying a nice afternoon when they attacked, one wearing my mask and pelting me with darts, the other hitting me with a hand buzzer and the stick of gum that snaps the finger. Again, I was forced to admit defeat against this crafty duo.

I’m already preparing for the next battle. Uncle Naughty will rise again!